shadow

being mean
  keeping quiet so not to say mean things.

being not included
  so keeping to myself, being different,
developing my own code.

talking when supposed to be quiet.
  saying the wrong thing - so feelings of
disjointedness, out of place,

being punished because talking.
  watching what i say.

when a child - cunning - lied.  gave me
a present when it was for my sister.
  tried to be better - tried to always tell the truth.

didn't like to study in grammar school
liked to play -
tried to be perfect in my love for god.

in my writing not good enough, not creative enough -
  so didn't attempt to write or be creative.
  because it wouldn't be good enough.

when i was a kid - i invited myself to a birthday party
when i wasn't invited.
didn't go placed where i wasn't invited.

i used to like to run
i wasn't the fastest runner
so i didn't run anymore or if i did
i resented not being the fastest.

danced on the stage, but said i was fooling around
so i didn't get a good part.
i seemed to get into trouble for fooling around.
did i fool around less - i don't know. 

i never won, or was first in anything so i didn't
really try scholastically to excel.
except in 7th grade i studied and got in the 90's average.

now with writing i may not be first
so do i give it up. i don't know.

court reporting machine i just practiced until
i got speeds high enough so i could pass the
test and get the job.

i don't know if i don't try to achieve because i won't be first
or get the top prize.