writing again

i think i should start writing again.

i have a headache.
I'm going to start writing from an empty mind

does writing interfere with the present moment

bubbles

It was 5 o'clock Thursday afternoon and
26 year old Melanie Shepherd found herself
in Mary Regan's therapist office.  Melanie
was sitting on the therapist black leather couch
counting backwards from 100.  She was here
for her regular weekly checkup.

Melanie got to 73 and found herself drifting;
at the number 65 she found herself sitting
on a red suitcase blowing bubbles.  Each bubble
she blew jogged a memory.  She looked into her
mind's eye and saw that she was a carefree young
girl of six.

She was at her grandparents' farm and the farmhouse
was not in sight although the barn was in plain view.

Melanie thought to herself the house should be close by,
but it's not.  She recognized the old Ford gramps used to
drive.  It was parked to the side of the barn.

Gramps must be in the barn,  Melanie thought.

She got up and put the jar with the bubbles on the ground.
She took a hard look at the suitcase and noticed all the
stickers.

In the distance she saw a figure come out of the barn.

Melanie recognized it to be her gramps and cried out,
"gramps it's me, Melanie."

Gramps proceeded to the old Ford backed it up and drove away.

"Gramps Russell, where are you going?"

Melanie realized she was all alone.  The young child tossed her
red curls, bent down and picked up her bubble jar.

Then with a deliberative quietness she sat back down on the suitcase
with all the stickers and blew some more bubbles.

She blew a lot of bubbles.  So many that they were drifting all around her.
They were surrounding her.  So many different colors and sizes.  Melanie
laughed with glee.  So beautiful, she thought.  And shiny too.

She looked behind her and saw the bubbles were making a path in the sky.
In fact when she looked closer and squinted her eyes she could make out
two paths.

The first bubble was getting bigger and bigger.   And just like that from
looking at it she found herself inside it.   From inside the bubble she could
see the fields below.

She saw Gramps Russell truck on the road below her and she laughed.

Wherever he is going I am going to get there ahead of him.

Then instinctively she knew he was going to the farmhouse.

It wasn't long before she was at the farmhouse where her grandparents lived.

The bubble dropped her right at the  front door.

The house was not near the barn and that was a fleeting thought.

Grandma looked like she was expecting me because when she opened the door  she said, "come on in honey."
"I've been waiting for you."  And in the same breath grandma said, "I'm expecting
gramps in a few minutes.

Melanie crossed over the threshold and realized she was in a woman's body.

But it was six year old Melanie that bounded into Grandma Russell"s outstretched arms.

Melanie the 23 year old was there as an observer.

She stood there and  watched the younger version of herself and granny interact.
Melanie was full of warm feelings so she stepped back and relaxed.

Is this what it feels like to travel back in time?  I wonder why the therapist
wanted me to come back to this period in my life?

Melanie shrugged her shoulders and took a seat in the green padded rocking
chair in the corner.

The kitchen was nice and warm and granny had six year old Melanie by the hand.

Come and sit by the pot belly stove and I'll make you your favorite hot chocolate.

Melanie pulled up the stool and sat down.   Her shoes reached the floor and she
was happy.

By the way I see you beat him here again.

The two Melanie's chuckled at the same time.

Sitting in the rocking chair Melanie wondered how many times had she done this?

This is your sixth visit back child.  Your always welcome here, but you are growing
up and you must have other things to do.

"Granny, are you trying to get rid of me?" squealed six year old Melanie.

"Not at all child.  You know you are always welcome here, but grand-dad and I
are getting on in  years and -  The sentence was left unfinished and what could be
was left in the air.

Just then the front door slammed open, "where is she?" boomed a loud voice.
Grand-dad  Russell was home.

"I'm here gramps, and Melanie ran into outstretched arms."

"Yes, you are.  Let me look at you."

He took one glance and then lifted the child into his arms.
Melanie circled her arms around her gramps and whispered, "I love you
gramps.  I told you I'd be back. " she said quietly.

"Yes, you did."   And the old man held her tightly.

miracles

Helen stood in the doorway pondering her next move.
They keys to the front door stuck to the palm of her hand,
reminding her that her form was still on earth.
She looked down at her hand, it was the briefest of seconds,
but it seemed like she had held that position for a long time.

She stuck the skeleton key into the keyhole and it slid into place.
She turned the key and she heard the click.
The door swung .open and she walked in.

All five feet four inches of her were shaking.  She shoved the
skeleton key back into her jacket pocket and then walked
through the living room to the kitchen.

Once inside the kitchen she turned on the light .  Everything
seemed in place.  Motionless but for a moment she took off
her jacket and hung it over one of the four withe wooden
chairs that surrounded the circular table of pine.

Helen pulled out a chair and pondered her next move.  Tinkerbell,
her black feline cat looked at her quizzically from the corner of where
the icebox was and then moseyed over to see what was going on
with Helen.

She curled up at Helen's feet.

"Hello Tinkerbell," said Helen.   She reached out and patted
the cat on its head and then let her hand glide along the cat's
smooth soft back.  "At least you seem to be real."

  Tinkerbell shook her head and stretched lengthwise at  Helen's feet.

Helen straightened up and tapped the table with her nails.  For a few
seconds that was the only sound in the house tap tap tap.

"What am I going to do?"

Tinkerbell looked up, found that Helen wasn't talking to her and put
her head back down again on Helen's red patent leather shoe.

Helen cast another glance at the cat and shook her strawberry blonde
hair which came to rest on the white collar of her silk blouse.

She reached for a napkin from the oversized napkin holder on the table.
She grabbed it and blew her nose.

Tinkerbell looked up once again sensing that Helen was having a bit
of a hard morning and got up and rubbed herself against Helen's leg.

The gesture was not lost on Helen and she bent down picked up the cat
and laid her in her lap.

There, there, Tinkerbell everything will be all right.   You are right I'm
having a bit of a day.

Helen had just past her 22nd birthday two weeks ago and that's when
all the strangeness had started.  It wasn't a bad strangeness, but she
didn't know what to make of it.

random thoughts

i don't even know where to start.
all the books i have been reading --

the world i live in is still being created.

the universe is unfolding.
my consciousness is unfolding.

the universe is evolving.
i am evolving.

there is science
there is t h a t.

the stars and me we are all made
of the same this and that.

god is evolving
god is becoming
god is being

me and god
we are the same

try to understand
can't

yet --

mary reached the tomb
it was empty

then he appeared
she didn't recognize him

was he so different -
hmm
i wonder
did he evolve
into the oneness
that science says we are all part of
particles
connected -

this table, this chair
dancing molecules
not solid - but connected
hmm
i wonder

is it so far-fetched
that this man disappeared
went to heaven -

hmm
i wonder

theologians  say this world is heaven

our consciousness is
connected to the one consciousness
connected.

heaven is not a place
not some other place
heaven is here.

the earth is evolving
the universe is evolving
i am evolving

god is evolving

(to be continued.)

Treasure Box

A picture of a four year old girl looking at her Treasure Box

Looking down to peek at it.

Rays of sunshine glimmering from it.

It's a small box 

but it holds her imagination

full of bright jewels, rainbows, stars, the sun, moon,

galaxies - light years away.

She is bending down to get a closer look.

Likes what she sees and opens it a little further.

The wider she opens it the brighter it gets.

She stands up straight a grown woman and holds the 

treasure box in the palm of her hand.

Self  Looks at I Am

It's a pause in the play.

It's a pause in the phone call.

The curtains have closed.

The audience has finished clapping.

The play was a success.

The actors have take their bows and retreated

to their individual dressing rooms.

       -----------

I look in the mirror and am in full costume.

I take off the painted makeup - a rub here and a rub there.

The curls are piled high on my head.

A brush of my hand and the whole hairdo is removed.

Now for the dress.

I stand up tall and it is tight fitting to the waist.

I have an attendant and she helps unbutton the back.

The dress falls in a heap at my feet.

Next is the corset.  It is cinched so tight that I can hardly breathe.

My friend undoes the laces and tosses it to the side.

I stand in front of the mirror undies and chameo.

No makeup.  No hair.  And no corset.

I'm fatter than I thought.

Oh, well, no matter there is always tomorrow.

And what will tomorrow bring says the little voice inside me.

Well, good things, says "I Am."

There's the morning wake up call to stretch and get out of bed -

breathe

and move 

and jump 

and sing.

Come on says four year old Logan it's time to hit the beach

throw the ball, huddle all four and yell -

or --

Nine year old Kyle says, "let's watch the dogs run at the races."

And ten year old Gabby is all for going to the children's museum

and making those make believe pizzas.

My husband John  with memory problems is ever the 

watcher.

And who's the New Me - It's the I Am Me - that's Who.

 

shadow

as i entered the auditorium my past and present was before me.
there were people i had known in the past who had passed on,
people that i knew today, and characters out of my imagination
were present, also guides that i had forgotten about smiled and
intuited  loving kindness.

johnny was holding my hand and the usher gave us each a ticket.
i glanced at my ticket it said one way,  i looked at johnny and i
saw that his was stamped round trip.  i wasn't afraid but puzzled.
johnny was happy and i didn't tell him the difference in the tickets.

when we finally were let in we found front row seats.
the curtains were waterfalls and the future was a dark cave.
we were handed flashlights and told to prepare for an
adventure.

the music started to play and the orchestra came into full
view.  it was mickey mouse on drums , cinderella on guitar and alice of wonderland
playing the piano.   other disney characters held different stringed musical instruments
in their hands..

then we were invited on to the stage  i morphed into a six foot waitress
dressed in a black and white uniform, with sheer nylons and three inch black pumps.

A black and white cow was forming on my back until the waitress disappeared and i
was the only cow in a cool green meadow.   Suddenly a 12 foot jolly green giant
appeared and started laughing and throwing yellow corn in the air that it rained down
all around me.  they were like golden nuggets.   he laughed so loud that the cow started
to dance. The orchestras music turned into a frenzy and then everyone in
the theater started dancing.  johnny wasn't in the meatdow with me but was watching on
the sideline looking at the whole thing as if he was amused.  he was smiling,laughing and
clapping his hands..  he seemed at home and there were people singing with him.

soon the music died down and the cow disappeared  and i appeared naked,
kneeling with my hands touching the earth.  i raised my head and johnny came into the meadow
handed me my flashlight and took my hand we entered the cave using our lights to find our way.

at the end of the cave was a town nestled among the trees.  we stood there looking at it and made out way down.  We were greeted by the residents who looked familiar and accepted us into an opening
which was made for us and made our way to our new life

Johnny looked at me and opened the palm of his hand.   he held the two ticket stubs in his hand.  understanding in his eyes.  he knew what i knew and it was all for the better.